Saturday, May 22, 2010
A little reminisce the past.
A little afraid of the future.
Long to be set free.
Free from the worries.
When can I stopped?
Many people care.
Many people worry.
I miss SBM.
But I really don't know how to face them.
Sighed. Shitty me.
9:07:00 PM
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Relationship was the major part.
But I don't have mood to write it.
Nor felt like telling the whole world.
Just the specifically few.
Those who know it,
and advice me so,
I really appreciate it.
But I really need to walk out of that stage inside me.
I too, am suffering thinking of all these.
I really want to let go,
but something is holding me back.
And I just told xinyi about it.
It's like a suprise how so many of my friends cared.
Maybe I was really wrong in the first place.
I know I gotta walk out of this alone.
No matter which way, it's still alone.
So I have to think through it carefully.
But I'm avoiding.
Actually, what I looked for in a relationship was the simplest things ever.
If ever a guy could not provide it, I just don't deserve that.
Or rather the guy is not worthwhile before.
Cheating. Lies. Betrayal.
It's just splashing all across my mind.
My heart shattered a thousand times.
For those who had not been through it,
truthfully to put it this way, the part when you knew it,
it's pretty frustrating, the part when you broke down,
it's pretty suffering, and the part where you need to walk out of it,
it's terrifying..
Terrifying is cause, no matter what,
you have to walk out of that phobia yourself.
Walk out of the problem yourself.
I've changed. Changed terribly.
I don't trust any one anymore.
Especially men.
I hated relationship.
I really do.
Guess they were right,
it's the bad experience that you shouldn't go through.
If not, it's haunting you forever, and ever.
Goodnight.
3:07:00 AM
Saturday, May 08, 2010
And Nk is not back yet.
He's out in the range,
having shooting.
Hate NS.
Yes.
Can't understand,
how I went through these past 1 year 8 months.
It's coming 2 years, and it marks his ORD.
I miss you.
Sunday would be a fun-filled day with love & boyboy.
We gotta bring boyboy out to enjoy.
Perhaps to pet farm?
Or perhaps to ECP.
But at night would be upsetting,
he would leave to his place for dinner,
while I leave to mine.
So not exactly one whole day for me.
Sighed. How I wish he has 24 hours just for me.
Don't need to share between his friends or something.
I can't stand the girls bugging around too.
It's pissing me off seriously.
Do an attach person get the best of two world?
No right? Argh. And he always choose to forgo me.
But he has his good time where he would assure me.
If only his good time is more than the bad time.
I would love him to bits and not get so easily jealous.
I mean, it's like it takes two hands to clap right?
Hate NS. Hope he can come out tomorrow real early.
I don't care what time. I just want him to be out.
At least I has the vehicle to fetch him now.
Hopefully he would come out early.
Argh. But I'm going clubbing tonight.
Not gotta club for long.
I dont feel like clubbing already.
Detest the guys who kept coming around.
I hope jiajia don't leave me alone,
and dance with the guys can already. =(
I gotta go down to Orchard in a while time.
Maybe I should start writing some of my risk material first.
Before proceeding to Orchard road and start playing the whole day.
I really miss my love.
Hope someday he would exactly feel how I feel.
And do something to protect me from getting hurt.
I mean these are the consequences of his actions.
Which girl would get over so quickly?
Argh. I'm not being petty.
But it's the circumstances that changes people.
I really miss the past, the past honeymoon period.
When did it actually gone to. =(
I miss how he treated me when he's in Taiwan.
Maybe there was no other factors that cause destruction.
Argh, now every other factors are killing us.
I hate the bitch!
If guys understand how a girls feel.
If they put themselves in our shoe,
maybe things would get better.
Instead of asking us to try changing for them.
Right?
Hais.
Going to start on my risk.
Bye.
12:37:00 PM
Friday, May 07, 2010
But well, I got loads of things to say.
However, this is no longer a good place to vent anymore.
I can't say out to Nk either.
It would definitely leads to quarrels.
I don't want us to quarrel.
After being together for so long,
then there are so many things that I didn't find out.
Felt like shit when I hear it, but it's all the past.
Should I just let it go? I mean, if I knew it at the start.
I wouldn't be so upset, but he kept for so long.
I hate this.
Felt so cheated. But well, everything is the past.
Later I gotta be said by Nk's friends that I'm not matured enough.
Mature? What you all mean by being mature?
Means to open one eye and close one eye?
Or not to get jealous even a little bit?
What?
I know baby has been trying hard to treat me good nowadays.
That's why I'm trying my part too, also telling myself,
he's just being honest with me, and that's a good thing.
But why do a part of me, felt like crying. Sighed.
Maybe they were right, I'm childish.
I never tell him. Don't wish to tell him either.
He knows I'm being upset, but trying to pretend nothing happens.
This is his way of preventing us from getting quarrel.
Guess we know each other too well already.
Maybe I still don't know him well.
I don't know.
I know how much he has sacrificed for me.
I know how much I shouldn't be bothered over spill milk.
I'm a lousy person. Maybe I really do.
Getting to know someone inside out,
is so not easy. Knowing one's past,
is even harder. You gotta learn to accept it.
And learn to forgo it, and continue moving on.
Being human is so difficult.
You gotta go through umpteen times of suffering.
You gotta learn so much along the way.
Get hurt a million of times,
and then you safeguard yourself so tightly.
That everyone learn to open one eye and close one eye.
No matter what.
I love him, but I just need him to accompany me through.
I hate to try so hard to pretend nothing has happened too.
I gotta learn how to accept it and move on.
If at times if I get sensitive, just be there to assure me.
If at times that I cried, just hug me.
That's all I ever wanted.
Hugs are the best remedy.
It cures my uneasiness straightaway.
On a bright side,
I went medicure with Shiying.
I had a pretty colour and I love it.
Baby is back from Taiwan on 1st May.
Weiqiang accompanied me to fetch him.
He and his big lambo haha!
He bought a lot of things for me,
buying only a few things for himself.
I love the porter bag that he bought.
It's really really pretty & damn expensive.
And I love the SMSes we exchanged everyday.
I missed the call that he always gave.
I love the little comments that he gave on my FB wall.
With all these, is indeed really enough to make me survive the 3 weeks.
It really never fails to put me on a smile.
Even in the midst of doing something important,
I would definitely stop everything and chat with him.
This August, he's flying to Thailand.
Angry, both Taiwan & Thailand are the country I wanna go.
But well, he's leaving for 3 weeks again.
Kinda pissed off with NS system.
I mean, they just left for Taiwan. Hais.
Other goes oversea once, he needs twice.
Gotta start all over again the missing part.
Sighed.
I want a day with you,
to keep my heart at ease.
It flutters so much that I'm so afraid.
With you around, everything feel so safe.
12:30:00 AM
