Friday, September 25, 2009
Start afresh?
Devas give me a sign.
Last chance?
Can everything be trusted?
My heart had already broke into million of pieces.
I had enough of picking up the pieces and hurting myself all over again.
Did I gave too much?
Did I love too hard?
Why am I always the one being hurt?
Why has it always been me and only me?
Why do all guys loved to cheat on me?
I felt so pathetic.
I felt so devastated.
I felt like I'm dead.
Nobody can comfort this shit out of me anymore.
He's the one who got all these problems,
he should be the one to clear this mess.
Pain after pain.
And now, my love is betrayed.
What's love?
Tell me.
Enlighten me.
Would this really be a last chance.
Or should I just let it go and move on?
My heart aches badly.
Damn.
I haven't been sleeping these few nights.
For what, for who? Was it worth?
I cried so badly all these nights?
Does the tears that dropped worthful for?
Would he really change for the better?
Should I even believe what he said?
Should I even give him this last chance?
I'm so pathetic.
I got nobody to seek advice.
I had only me and myself.
And this pathetic blog which is there 24/7.
To let me complaint, let me whine, let me cry.
It's not even a human.
I really want to bottled it up,
treating like nothing had ever happened.
But I just can't, my heart ache so badly.
I just want to whine, run, scream, die.
Kill me please, seriously.
Relationships are like,
a guy bringing a knife,
and stabbing you continuously,
till you can't feel your heart anymore.
11:07:00 AM
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I couldn't find anybody.
Look, I'm left with my blog here.
To salvage me from my life.
To lend me a shoulder.
To hear me scream.
My mind is all about those messages I saw.
Am I losing everything, losing him?
2:31:00 AM
The messages explained everything.
Maybe, she was a better choice.
No wonder, it was all ignorance.
I was just not on the list to be bothered for.
No matter how hurt I am, it wasn't even cared for.
I can't trust love anymore.
It's hurting me too much.
What's love?
Can it be trusted?
I just couldn't stop the tears from dropping.
I need to get some sleep, but I just couldn't.
Can anybody just come and help me.
Sighed.
The feeling sucks, I just wanna die right there and now.
2:24:00 AM
Lies after lies. See first after see first.
What the hell is all these about.
I held on because I loved you.
I held on because I thought things would be better.
I'm starting to not trust love anymore.
Because it kills people, and it kills me.
How do you even love someone,
when all you get is pain?
Maybe, some days it would be happiness.
And I really love the time we are together.
But our happiness, don't last at all.
I tried my best to give it my all,
to salvage this relationship.
To accept everything,
but my limits are limited.
I can't do this anymore.
I can never do this anymore.
Love hurts.
Love kills.
Relationship are like scissors in your drawers,
it cut your heart open and let you bleed to death.
I'll let it go.
12:10:00 AM
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Tears behind the smile.
Sometimes, people say I'm easily satisfied.
But yet, I'm always been said like,
I'm the problematic one.
I'm always the one being sacrificed.
Been the one giving and giving my whole life.
I gave up so much, and now I'm the one being gave up, forgotten.
Emo periods killed.
But that's how it hit me hard.
Mundane.
One day, it would come into nothingness.
And perhaps, it's fading.
Let me find back myself, can I?
I should learn to love myself more.
I'm tired too, but who actually understands?
Sometimes, I just need a simple listening ears to listen.
I need to love myself more.
To stop inflicting pain into myself.
I've done enough pain to myself.
Giving everything to someone,
who just don't care about my feeling.
I can't handle life anymore.
Everything is not going right track.
Parents are so emo right now.
Friends, I dont know how many I've lost.
Guess, I lost quite a lot of them...
Relationship...
SBM...
Was I expecting too much or what?
Can someone tell me, what wrong did I do ?
I really tried...
Working tomorrow alone.
Sighed. I'm feeling like shit now.
Bye.
/edit.
I learn that, one would love another more.
There won't be equal love to one another.
It's always one side more than the others.
And I realised, it's me.
I can be affected by little things done by him.
Be it good or bad, I would be really happy or really sad.
I would always feel sweet when he do something simple.
On the other hand, when he hurt me, I would be really affected.
Problems lied in me.
I understood.
Got this from Jasmine's blog.
" Love isn’t about the romantic nights or gifts. It isn’t about fireworks going off around you when you have that first, real, kiss. Love isn’t about kissing in the rain and dancing beneath the stars. It isn’t about the big moments or the big surprises. Love is not a fairytale. Love is about still having the butterflies after years. It’s about the second looks and laying in bed wide awake, all night, because you can’t go to sleep mad at each other. It’s about being willing to sacrifice, literally, everything for someone, just because you care so deeply for them. It’s not about buying them gifts, but it’s about leaving them little presents here and there, just to remind them that you are constantly thinking about them. Love is about all of the little things, that add up to really big things. Love is rare and special, but should not be treated as if it will break. Love needs to be thrown around and beat up a little bit, worn in, but not worn down. Love needs to be a comfortable feeling, a place to go when NO ONE else in the world can relate. A safe place, where you know that no matter how ugly you look or how angry you are, you will still be… loved. "
Very true. :)
11:38:00 PM
Yeah, finally we met up. :D
The loves. :D
Met up with them after work yesterday.
It's been super long day for me.
I was super tired though.
Yiying came over to my place,
while I sleep all the way. HAHA!
Super tired loh.
Sighed.
They drink only, I sing song. HAHA!
Me good girl. No lah haha. =/
Just that I cannot drink already. =(
She & her $10 sotong balls.
EXPENSIVE HOR!~
SOTONG BALL SO EXPENSIVE!
Yiying! =D
What's most importantly, is that !
I SAW MABELYNN !!
She was at Amber 21.
Her friends are working there. :D
SO NICE TO SEE HER CAN!
I mean, we had been saying we want to meet up,
but we been saying for so long, it's been two years.
HAHA. Finally, we saw each other at pub though. =/
Somemore, is I walked past, then I see her like Mabelynn.
Call her, no reply leh, then I sms her. In the end it was her.
SO NICE! OMG!
I want to meet her dinner next time leh. =D
MISSES like hell I tell you!
The last time I saw her is like,
hmm during 'O' Level? =/
So damn super long I tell you!
2:28:00 AM
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I love to sleep with BoyBoy sometimes.
Because he's just uber cute at times.
That was taken when his fur was damn short.
Now it's so long till it's so messy.
Time to shave him. =/
See, it was taken when I still had my blingblings on.
Sometimes, I just miss my blingblings.
Should I had it on again?
Boyf cannot comment though. =/
He confirm reject. DONT CARE. lols
I likeeeeeeeeeeeee~
Did some temporarily perm when I was damn bored.
But that was done when my hair was still kind of short.
Now it's rather long again. =DDDDDDDD
Food for thought...
Life.
Life has always been ups & downs.
Sometimes, I realised how much I've changed.
And I know, many had told me so.
I lost the wanling who used to fill with happiness.
I don't know what it changed me.
Was it that I mishandle certain part of my life.
Or was it that I didn't handle everything well.
I thought I could balance everything.
And, I would still do so,
as there is none,
I would give up.
I need to find the root of the cause.
I need to find back the happy wanling.
I miss it, like seriously.
Because I have nothing to worry in the past.
And now, I have so much worries.
Sighed.
Life changed, when people grows.
Is it the same perceptive?
Family.
Family are pillar of each soul.
They are the one who are there,
to stand up for you when you fall.
When you have no one, you know you can fall back on them.
Even when the whole world falls on you, you have them.
And that's why, I always like to have all my friends,
to treat their family well, to treat their parents well.
You only have two parents in one life, nothing more.
No matter what had happened, they are still your parents.
They work hard just to earn money for you.
They provide food for you, shelter to let you stay.
They have nothing to own you, but you have things to own them.
Perhaps, my family bonding are really strong,
so we always stand well for one another no matter what.
And of course, I'm grateful that I have two brothers.
They are the one who were there to clear my shits always.
And they are there when I couldn't hold it anymore.
When I fell sick, both of my brothers came down,
just to see how was my asthma and stuffs.
When dad fell sick, brothers are the one who rushed down,
to fetch my dad to see a doctor, rush here & there to send us.
They are the one to pay for the medical fees at the A&E.
If it wasn't them, I don't think I can handle myself.
Thus, I always been very grateful of my life.
I have everything that anyone yearn for.
Most importantly, I have a very good family.
The one, I used to complaint when I was very young.
I used to complaint how bad tempered my dad is.
How he used to slap me and stuffs.
How I used to fight with my brothers.
How I always quarrel with my whole family.
But look, as I grow up, I learn to treasure people.
That's what they called, growing up.
You learn a lot things on the way.
So please, no matter what, treasure your family.
They are the one who brought you into this world.
The one who taught you the simple tasks to grow yourself.
It is because of them, you enter into this world to learn.
To love, to give, to take, to help people...
Family, are the one you should held onto.
Forgo the bad times, remember the good one.
SBM.
SBM has been a second home for me,
ever since I was secondary two.
It is the place where I grow,
where I learn, where I made good friends.
Though, things were a lot different now.
I was no longer so close with them and stuffs.
But, it had always held a special position in my heart.
Because of the wonderful memories created in my life.
I couldn't find any special words to describe this feeling.
They are the one who just be there when I was low.
They are the one who taught me useful things.
Dharma has also been a greatest part of my life.
Teaching me about gratitude, about mindfulness,
about loving-kindness...
I seemed to forgo everything now.
I used to be so mindful with things.
I would be very careful with the thoughts I had.
But it's seemed to me that, I was no longer the wanling.
Was it because, I was lacked of practice.
Or was it because, I was too packed with my life.
I forgo about SBM, the second home?
Dharma is beautiful. It's the stepping stone of my life.
It's the one who brings me to who I am today.
I always been very grateful of the life I lead,
when other teenagers are leading their life differently.
I always loved the community services we used to have a lot.
And I would never forget how the CNY house cleaning would be.
The elderly house, the old folks' home...
Every memories are vividly inside my mind.
It had never once been forgotten.
It's just that, it had been kept.
Kept somewhere in my mind.
That I just happened to put it to the corner,
and didn't realise that, how important SBM had been.
It was my love, and still my love.
Dharma, I would be back.
Relationship.
Relationships, it had been like a rollar coaster,
I experienced all kinds of thing in love.
Started my first relationship at the age of 12.
I know it was way too young, but that's what we called,
puppy love.
It was just a short relationship,
but one that thought me how it was like to love.
And experience the pain of having heartbreak.
Had another relationship at age of 14.
When others are against the relationship,
because of understanding his true color.
Yet, I never heed any advice.
I just knew I love his determination,
to work and study & work really hard to earn money.
And at the same time, studied really hard.
Balancing both of them.
Eventually, a breakoff cut me through.
To be honest, it hurt me for quite long.
For instance, because the guy was not serious in R/S.
And so, I despise relationship for a few years.
Till I don't know when,
I had crushes after crushes.
It came to a point of time,
there was one that was so complicated.
I fell hard & got hurt even badly.
Didn't want to believe in relationship.
Just that there came my boyf along...
We really so clique that it was unique.
Initially, didn't want to even think about relationship.
But, his sincerity really touch me.
And that's how it goes.
We been through the ups & downs.
Went through quarrels and quarrels.
Understood one another differences.
Accepted the flaws & solve problems.
Now, everything are cleared.
And we are together for a year. =)
Thank you baby.
I just hope this relationship last.
With no more problems arising anymore.
Friendship.
Friendship, I'm thankful of some friends,
who were there when I needed them the most.
Friends make up a part of your life.
Without them, life is boring.
I'm really grateful to all my friends.
Thankyou for making my life so wonderful.
Making it so interesting. :D
Without friends, we weren't be able to go Timbre.
We weren't be able to go steamboat, buffets, pubs.
Life is just about studying & home sweet home.
Wasn't it?
Thank you so much people.
However, certainly, we would met with some black sheeps.
But friends are the one you chose, choose your friends wisely.
Dispose the one who are mean to you. You don't need them.
You don't need them to destroy your life.
I never thought I would still met with such friends.
But well, it was already the fact that we had seen through.
It got us upset, but what's done is done.
No point brooding about it.
No crying over spill milk.
We just move on.
Life, Family, Love, SBM, Friendship.
Everything was such a wonderful part of my life.
Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Food for thought should be done frequently.
Reflections are meant to reflect oneselves.
To correct the mistakes we had.
Guess, I was too ignorant about my acts sometimes.
Guess, I was too ignorant about myself sometimes.
Be happy. No worry.
Life is short to have any regrets.
Love everyone around you. :)
Be yourself.
Loves,
Hwanling.
1:04:00 AM
Monday, September 14, 2009
It's sunshine after rain.
Well, I'm fine already.
Asthma has died down.
Hopefully, it doesn't come up again.
It got baby really so worried.
But I like the way he treats me princess. =X
So damn sweeeeeeeet!
Now I understand how it felt like to be loved. HAHA!
& I also felt how my brother's girlf always felt. HAHA!
So niceeeeeeee feeling I tell you. =D
loves loves loves.
But I'm so sorry to make you worry sick. =/
Thank you baby.
Well, I'm fine.
Back to that hoo-haa girl.
And I know I haven't been blogging often.
I missed my outing with SBM.
Bonding camp you know.
I was looking forward.
But damn.
I kept pestering boyf to let me to go.
But in the end, we went to see doctor,
and I was too sick to go already. =(
Sighed. Felt like so terrible.
I want to go Pulau Ubin.
I want to go BBQ.
SIAN, why am I always missing SBM OUTING.
I damn super duper thriple quaduple sian.
I haven't been going SBM for so long. =(
I felt so damn unhappy. =(
And its time to do something.
I need to do something.
Sorry Mogga.
Sorry people. =(
Hopefully, I would recovered totally.
And I was browsing facebook,
I saw Jashawn's photo. =/
He got into accident.
Hope you are fine.
Though I don't know when it happened.
And I saw timbre photo in Laobu's facebook. =(
I missed that night lah. =( But it's alright.
There would be more chance.
Hopefully. I hope they had fun.
I miss the duck pizza. =(
Facebook is fun. =X
Why am I wasting time on these.
Alright, time to eat medicine.
GOODNIGHT. =D
TIME TO SLEEP. :)
1:13:00 AM
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Well, my GPA dropped as expected.
And most of all, I GOT C+ FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.
Damn it.
See, during my past two semester,
I never had any C grade at all.
Irritating sia. Now I had one.
The one and only devastating result.
Damnnnn.
Sian. =(
See MY GPA DROPPED.
OMGGGGGGGGGGGG~!
Next semester must work really hard.
Since I cleared my 3 electives. =D
So I do not have another to pull me down.
Although this semester was damn pathetic.
Because of the really scary deadline that was so near to each other.
Furthermore, I took so many CU this semester.
The previous two semester, I only had 23 CU.
Now I had 29 CU leh. Siao one. =/
Which makes the previous two that I had only 7 subjects.
And now, I had 9 subjects. =/
Crazy.
Am I consoling myself? =/
Alright stoppppppppppp.
I shall just take it as it is.
Next semester is time to buck up,
to chiong for my 3.8 GPA. =D
Anyway, bad thing.
On the celebration of baby & I first year.
I got asthma attack, which haven't been happening since like 10 years or more ago.
Damn saded. And it felt so bad till I wanna die.
Wasn't even feeling well to celebrate much.
A lot of plan screwed though. =(
In the end, watched "I love you, Beth Cooper".
And I was superrrrrrr sick. =(
Baby brought me to see a doctor,
which cost 72 dollar. =.="
That was such a big sum,
he kept saying that it's his first time paying for such expensive medication.
HAHA.
Sighed.
Sick like hell.
Yesterday was worst.
Couldn't even walk much,
didn't even want to sit up from my bed to reach for my phone.
But today, I was slightly well already.
Still can use computer you seee!
Ha.
Okay lah, time to rest.
byebye.
9:39:00 AM
Friday, September 11, 2009
Amber 21
The Lings & Weiqiang
Lings & Darrel.
VERON =)
Ling & Darrel =)
The lao ban niang.
Gone-ed baby~
Afternoon suprise & CSG KTV =)
Happy birthday. :)
Jinquan & Weiling.
JinQuan & Baby.
The Secondary School Mates. =)
The WL. HAHA =)
Weiling & Wanling (Hwanling) =/
ZhiChar after that. :)
Surpised baby with my handmade cheesecake. HAHA.
Hide at the staircase, cause he was going out.
My plan of hiding inside his room Failed. =/
Cause he reached home earlier than I expected.
JinQuan & Doreen. HAHA.
JinQuan & Weiling.
SEE! Baby came out and it was captured. =/
Jinquan shocked face HAHAHA!
& Baby still haven't realised, he just walked past.
HAHA! Plus my candle haven't lit up. =/
He came over already, candle still haven't light. =/
Mount Faber Steamboat & Keppel Bay
Entering into Keppel Bay. The lighting damn nice.
The three biker, eh where's Weiqiang? =/
Baby, Andy & Ah song. =/
VERON, the xinfu girl. HAHA!~
Two cars 4 bikes. LOL!
If all go together, would hog the road anot? =/
They always go with style one.
Say what bikes go first, cars behind.
Then after that, become one car infront,
4 bikes at the center, one car at the back.
Don't know lah. LOL
If like that go expressway, damn cool. HAHA!
Provided all don't run, and hog the road. HAHA!
Darrel said he want to cut his cake on Nicol's car. HAHA!
Cutting cake on Mazda 3 got special feeling anot. =/
Went inside Keppel Bay to sit at the shelter.
1
Seeing whose girlf have to eat the last piece cake. =/
In the end, baby lost SO I EAT LAH. HA.
but share lah, i realy cannot finish already.
Keppel Bay.
Veron!
Amusing thing.
Andy treats baby a shot.
And the shot was supposed to be lit up with fire.
So he was holding the glass & lit it up with his lighter.
The next thing, we were laughing at his hand,
as the drink he caught fire together with his hand.
Damn dramatic, super funny.
Hand on fire, ever saw it before?
Damn cool. =/
Try it man.
12:21:00 AM
