佘婉菱；我的世界；我的生活

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Sicked =(

I had a slight fever right now, it's like finally I'm sick but then I tried to let it cool down but it is still kind of hot over my forehead. Oh well~ I can't get sick at this moment yet because exams are here =(

Had a dharma talk yesterday on " How to control your emotions " If you would like to know more about it, please go to www.mogallana-family.blogspot.com Emotions are the things that often hit onto me. Sometimes when I think life is getting alittle better and things hit me down and moving me back to square one. At least now when I can't be bothered with stuffs, I tend to be more happy. Even no matter how my friends had changed, it is not my problems at all, they will be on the losing side when they steps into society. Afterall as a friend, I just have to accept all their shortcoming. Seriously, I don't want to be bothered by any stuffs anymore. I do my part and I won't exceed that part anymore. Afterall, it will be me and me who will get hurt in the end so why do all these stuffs to help?

Suddenly, feeling myself change alot. I no longer laugh that much anymore. Don't really know what takes my smiles away. I have been on the defensive side for not getting hurt anymore. Felt like I'm the only one on earth. Been going in and out by myself all these times. Never mind that because I know friends come and go. Expressing my emotions out onto my blog is one thing that will never hurt anyone. At least when I'm angry, I vent it out on my blog. When I feel like crying, I cried out onto my blog. Guess my blog is the only things on earth that I can truly trust in and confide in. I Shall stop here, don't want to look like I'm wallowing in self-pity. I'm okay and I'm fine. I will walk out of this down period by myself. I hope my aspiration will come true. *pray hard*

How I wish I can press refresh and everything will start again.

7:58:00 PM

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Studied~

Woohoo~ I studied my SS, but it's only until halfway. My mind was totally blank when I tried to read another paragraph. Kept sticking to the same paragraph again and again but it just go into my mind and went out. Awww isn't it bad? So decided to sleep since it's already 3.30am. Smsed afew of my friends which I felt that somehow or another, there's a distance between us. So many smses I had sent and it proves that I've alot friends which I treasured alot but just of some factors we came apart. Maybe due to the busy times I had, maybe they had changed..... There's too many things to list out already. While some, I did not really sent that message because I felt that the friendship isn't right between us, maybe I felt that it is them who turned their back towards me. Whatever it is, to me friendships come and go. So many examples that I had seen, so many things had happened to me. Guess nothing last forever, not even the one friendships that they can say which will last forever.

Seriously, it really turned me off when some guys just out of a sudden telling you they liked you. There is no possibility when both of you aren't close or rather both of you had just seen one time or just afew times. It really freaked me out. Well, they just have left a bad impression to me again. I can't even be bothered to reply them or to chat with them when they started the conversation. Call me a evil bitch or whatever, I don't care. Maybe because you're one of the people who is the same type as those guys that I know? Just freaking get off my life, I don't even need you as a friend because you just suck. I've been very bad toward guys, but don't judge me because I have more guys friend than you and it is true that they are just purely guys friend. Most girlfriends do harm to you, they can be scarstic at times and push you away when they doesn't need you. They will try to know your guy friends and apparently want them to put their attention on them. Some girlfriends freaking snatch your boyfriends/crush. Who knows the hell whether she have been contacting him late at night after the couple bid goodbye?

Girlfriends should be kept afew of those you trusted and know that they won't betray you. Maybe one girl can be a example toward me and Jashawn at that time when we are together. She saw us at bugis and apparently went home and sent him friendster message asking a damn obvious question. " Are you WanLing's stead? " Isn't it obvious enough that you saw me and him holding hands together? Trying to know him through this way is a damn stupid way. There have been this rumours about this girl isn't a virgin anymore. They said that it's true now. Somehow or another, we can see it as all she do is to flirt, seduce guys and bringing them home. Who knows what they did at home? She had tried to snatch people boyfriends and seriously she's just another bitch around. Whatever it is, she's just another passer-by in my life. She isn't my friend because all she do is to come to me when she needed someone or something and those that is a Hi-Bye friend isn't a friend to me. Friend is the one who truly be there when you needed and asking you how's your life or stuffs like that and who cares.

Okay whatever it is, this is life. Anywhere she sucks =D I don't hate her just plainly dislike her. She ought to be ashame of herself, shouldn't her? Don't come near me, I will feel disgusted.

9:29:00 AM

Friday, April 28, 2006

English MYE'o6

Finally the english paper is over. Had a rather stupid question of the composition that I had attempted, I didn't seem to know what I'm writing. The question was "Descibe a place where you feel relaxing and carefree." I can't think of anything yet alone the beach. As I was writing, the Retreats came across my mind. I started to write in all the beach sceniro and kept repeating it. I told you I didn't know what am I writing. I planned but I didn't knew that the plan can only covered one and a half page and my words are not 350 yet. So I was writing all those rubbish stuffs that you can ever thought of. I didn't know what am I writing!! So pissed with myself~ The situational writing was another rubbish, my tone was inappropriate and I didn't know what kind of tone should I be giving, and thus I given some kind of hyper-active talk on "Staying Healthy" The question told us to give a talk to the primary school students of TAF on staying healthy. So once again, rubbishs came out.

Paper 2 was a rather smoothing one, yet I am not confident enough that I can pass well. =(( I'm sad again~ People are finding the paper hard and for me I find it rather interesting. I had done what Ryan told me to do but all I can do now is to pray hard that I can pass well for it and pulled my Composition marks high up.

Had my SS class test after that and I didn't know how to answer all the question. I just keep writing "based on my contextual knowledge" and this is what I've learnt from Sec 1, yet it's in my history periods. Oh well, I really hoped that I can pass my Social Studies =(Through this test, I found out that how little knowledge that I have in answering Source-Based Question. At least to a certain extent that I'm relieved for English is over, let's count down to the day my exams finish - 18 days =(

Was doing my blog hopping as usual when I came across this blog that mentioned about a Russian girl who was stabbed to death in a Macdonald and it happened on 20th April'o6 that is 8 days ago and her 18th birthday was on 26 April and that was 6 days before her birthday. I went to her myspace and everyone had left a comments for her. So many of her friends missed her, love her. She had became an impact of the lifes of the people around her. She had a cheerful character and thus lighten up their life. She helped alot of people to walk through their darkest moments and she was being in the last year of her grade, even though she was a senior but she seems like any other 3rd or 4th grade.

So many deaths that I had came across recently and that really tell me that I have to treasure everyone no matter I love them or hate them and there's no use to hate people because why having an enemy when you can have a good friend? You will never know what will happened the next day, she might chatting happily with you and the next, she was up in the heaven. Future are unclear and we shouldn't expect so much things in life. That why I choose not to bother about anything.

BOO~ ending here. I wished the girl to be well and happy.
May all being be well and happy including myself =(

3:52:00 PM

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Tomorrow having my First paper =(

OH yeah, exams are here =(( I didn't even manage to study much and the exams are here already. Each time I fliped open the book, the next moment I'm lying on my book dreaming away. How pathetic can it be =(( Books books books, how I wish I can burnt them all up. xD !! Maybe one day I should turned to Ray's suggestion which is burnt them all up and drink it since teacher always keep telling us to digest everything we learnt. LOLS !! I've only one word to describe - stress =((

When can we finish all our exams =(( Can I pass well with a good grades? Can we stop having exams? Hasn't been going out for a rather long time already =(( Sometimes, I felt that I've change my life. Used to go out everyday, hang out around shopping mall, arcades, played like there's no one business. Spending weekends shopping and walked from streets to streets. Yet, I no longer hang out, only spending my weekends in SBM or studying at home. I used to hate this kind of life, it seems so no life, but yet I'm leading this kind of life now and I'm quite contented. But I'm still the one who always turn on my pc when I reached home, yet I no longer played Friendster - just going in and see every few days, I only do blog hopping and writing my blog. My life had a dramatic change and it is just in a sudden.

Seriously, sometimes when I feel like doing somethings and aiming for that things and when I don't get it, I will feel discouraged. Thus, when I'm given that things, I don't feel like having it anymore. It always happened. I worked so hard for it and everytimes I did not get what I supposed to get. Don't feel like having any position anymore because it just make me go crazy for working so much and my efforts don't pay off at all. It sucks~! I always want to give up doing things for them but whenever I thought of it, I couldn't let it go. Friends are coming up to me to ask me why am I doing so much yet those slacker who did not do anything can get that position and why am I doing so much of the things in the first place, it don't give rewards and my efforts don't pay off. I don't know and I seriously don't know. I guess I shouldn't be there in the first place, shouldn't care so much in the first place. Since there's nothing I can gained except hurt, fatigue, time wasted. So much of the bad sides, so why am I doing so much? Can anyone just give me an answer?

Seeking for an answer to my questions, searching for a true friend, hiding away all those pains, keeping away my tears, stopping all those memories from playing, having an ignorance attitude. So much of the things I have to do and had to do. I lost my way for each time things hit me down hard. I put my hopes so high and when hopes were gone, I fall onto the ground hard. Where are the friends that I used to call them true? All of them had changed & I asked people around them and they agreed with me. So much things had changed and I couldn't really compromise towards the changes.

Hais~ Truth hurts, Answer gone.
Tears fall when it truly hurts in the heart.

4:42:00 PM

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Made my IC~ =D

I've changed the song into 周杰伦 - 枫. This was one of the song which can make me recall all the bittersweet memories. I dare not listen to it when we were broken up, yet after such a long time. I felt that I have been running away from the memories of him, I should have faced it. Afterall feelings would fade, love will be gone one day. I just have to be strong to face it. He was not worth my love, I gave him all the trust and love and he destroyed everything. What else can I said despite him being a jerk. So just let's face it, he's gone and I don't need him anymore, not even being a friend. He isn't suitable to be my friend at all. This song will determine me to let go of everything since I chose to face it.

Went to made my IC today by myself, I'm so blurred that I kept walking up and down trying to search for that area for it. Took the IC photo and I looked extremely stupid in it. Met my mother after that and she told me that I looked mature in it =(( Oh well~ I'm still young okay!! She said that father's van was hit by a fallen tree, isn't it karma? Up till today I still never spoke a word to him except those times which he asked question and I just go by " en, orh, ah " Who cares how I answered him, at least I don't go silent at all, count himself lucky.

Nothing much for today, didn't really have that exciting day. Just another day in school and I'm real tired of it. School sucks =D ! When can I ever have a break from it~ Exams were round the corner and I don't really feel like studying it yet I have to. I won't be online that often anymore. Even I'm online I will be setting as appeared offline, so if you have anything to find me, you can try putting in your personal msg " wanling important! " LOLS ! Or rather just smsed me =D

I feel like rebonding my hair again =(( I miss the cool feeling of rebonding and having a super straight hair =D I'm always having a bad hair day =(( My hair bullied me ~ They kept asking me whether I had dyed my hair but I kept answered "nah, never" Do my hair looked dyed? Isn't it wonderful!!! LOLS I hoped to have a brown & silky hair =D !! I loves my hair x))

Oh well~ I have to start mugging =D !! Motivate me please =(

6:21:00 PM

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Friendster~

Was going through all my friendlist and suddenly I felt like I have been doing so much and I'm suddenly out of the outside life. Those friends that I used to hang out, I don't know where are they now. I miss the times where we go down to arcade to play the rockfever & shopping together, accompanied them when they are alone. So much of the fun I have been missing. So what they are the people that you guys dislike, whatever ahlians or ahbeng that you can describe. At least I know they never teach me the wrong things, I told them that you want to walk that wrong path I can do nothing, but as a friend I really wish you get back to your studies, they tried to listen and I know they are trying very hard to listen to me.

Seriously, I miss them~!!! I'm sorry that I have been telling you guys that I'm busy and now we had lost contacts =(( ~!! Never mind that, at least I found LiYan and Chean already =D !!

I missed the fun~ =((

7:30:00 PM

2006~

2006年4月19日 22:48:00

Subject: SO FAR IN 'O6 I HAVE..."

Message: if you have done this things in the year2006.. put an "x"

[ ] broken a promise

[x] made a new friend

[x] fell in love

[x] fell out of love

[ ] done something you swore never to do

[x] lied

[ ] stole

[ ] went behind your parents back

[x] cried over a broken heart

[x] disappointed of someone close

[x] hidden a secret

[x] pretended to be happy

[ ] got arrested

[ ] kissed in the rain

[ ] slept under the stars

[x] gotten in a fight

[ ] kept your new years resolution

[x] forgot your new years resolution

[ ] met someone who changed your life

[ ] met one of your idols

[ ] changed your outlook on life

[x] sat home all day doing nothing

[ ] pretended to be sick

[ ] left the country

[x] almost died

[ ] drank myself retarded

[ ] lost someone close to you

[ ] been to the hospital

[x] gotten closer to someone

[ ] streaked ( ehh wat's that?

[x] cried over someone

[x] broken up with a GF or Bf

[x] given up something important to you

[ ] talked on the phone all night

[ ] learned something new about yourself

[ ] tried something you normally wouldnt try and liked it

[x] made a change in your life ( tried but no use, it get worst)

[ ] made a total fool of myself

[x] met great people

Found out that I haven't been having a exciting 2006 but a sad one rather. Oh well it sucks~ Those that are trying to make my life go worst, you have did it =D congrats to you guys. Thanks for making my life such an "exciting" one~

6:59:00 PM

BOO~!

Bored~ I'm bored~ I wanted to study yet I kept falling asleep whenever I sit there and studied afew pages =(( School was as usual today, nothing much happened. Don't want anything to happen too. LOLS ~ Blahh~ This friday is our English MYE already, seems so fast yet so slow. I just wish that everything will end soon and I will get a good result. I'm like so looking forward towards the holiday, vesak days. Tomorrow is my last day doing the IC, yet I haven't even photocopy the data that they wanted. LOLS ~

Been thinking about that Jashawn today, don't know what happened. He just suddenly come across my mind~ He's crap~!! I remembered one saying "Maybe at that time, I needed someone." Thought of it and questioned myself, even I needed someone by my side, I won't just go steady with anyone. It isn't fair to the other party or myself. I go by feelings but at this part of time, I don't want to handle any relationship. It's one of the difficult task that I had never handle it well. I don't like the feeling of missing another person once we're apart, neither do I like the feeling of insecurity. Oh well, I just not prepared for another guy who will be like Jashawn LOLS !!!! Crappie ~!!

Short post~ x)) I'm going to study now =D ! Someone motivate me please =((

3:37:00 PM

Monday, April 24, 2006

Wee I'm fat soon =((

I was thinking whether I ate yesterday, yet found out that I haven't been eating for the whole day. But I ate alot today and I felt like doing some sin, I've been eating and eating since just now but stopped when I'm too full. LOLS !! I actually forgotten to eat ~!! Okay whatever nothing to be proud of LOLS !

Hmm school was the same, had our E math test and I can be sure I won't get any good marks as I'm just too tired and my mind was blank~ So I just hope I can have a pass at least. Oh well, I shall just concentrate on my studies. I don't talk much today but only to Esther that I started talking and laughing alot. Thanks Esther~ I don't know why that whenever I'm with her, I can be such a crapper so much but afterall both of us are lame x))

Didn't even talk to my father today, I felt so proud of myself. I can actually resist myself from talking to him. He is still thinking that he's right, so oh well~ He will never listen a " papa " from me again if he don't change his sucky attitude. I have enough already, you want to play with me I play with you along. Don't try to test me, I can be scary than you SUCKER~ You give me this kind of treatment & I shall pay you back. I know no one will blame me for the coldness I gave you because you deserved it. TOO BAD~ Don't you ever dare to give another slap across anyone face.

I guess from this experience, the things is still repeating inside my mind, I'm holding so strong to that hatred towards him. I don't trust guys anymore. Every man will show their true colour soon. No guys worth my love for them, not even one. I trust no more, absolutely no more. How I wish I can move out of this house soon~ This is crap!

My life is in such a mess, I don't know what to do with it. Can anyone just tell me what can I do for it. Well, I can just endure all this shits by myself. It's always like this and I know it is going to stay like this. I know what's right and what's wrong for me, I don't need anyone to tell me whatever shit that they're my family. Family so what? Can they treat me like this, I doubt so. You all know nothing about me, don't try to tell me that at my darkest time, it will be my family who will be there. I tell you they won't. You guys know nothing, so don't ever judge anything from the surfaces. I really have enough~ Freaked up~

6:08:00 PM

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I hate you. you are not my father at all

I can't believe that my father actually just whack my mother right in my eyes, I cried yes I cried. He always thinking that he's right. There's no father who will ask his own daughter to go and die. There is absolutely a no to it. He still keep claiming that I don't respect him but who made up this, it's him. I tell you to me my father is dead, I don't count him at all. I don't want to believe that I have a father that is like this. I really cannot even believe it. I know a buddhist shouldn't be like this, but tell me how can you tolerate this kind of things.

To him, the whole wide world is against him, everyone are lying then how about him. That sluttish woman that he is with last time? Didn't he lie that he's with others yet when my mother find out it is her. So what is this, I'm sorry to buddha that I can't actually respect my parent because he is not forgivable at all. Seriously I really have enough of shit stuffs happening in my life. It's like forever I'm having shit things happening.

Ask yourself how much I do for all and why am I getting so much of this kind of things, I really don't know. I tell you there's really too much to handle and I'm getting sick of life. Too tired of it already, even when one killed me today, I won't even scare of dying. Afterall, it's better to be this way. A girl average age of dying is 74, so there's 59 years more. Oh well~ I wondered how could I survived through =(( Life is crap!~

Oh well my head hurts alot, I think I will be sleeping early today. Thanks for all the shits you guys give me. I hope I can survive through all the shits stuffs. I hope !!!

And oh ya, I'm not a dog sucker. Don't you dare to say that having boyboy is better than having me. Seriously you gain no respect from me at all, I don't even know whether calling you "papa" a sin. You say you do so much for this family and you kept claiming to others that you loves me alot, but freak all those craps you had said. Take all back! All the things you don't even give me. Even for that handphone you kept complaining about it if you really want me to pay for it then by all means I shall just go and work and throw the money right in front of your face. You gave me nothing, all the things I had it myself, I bought it myself with the money I worked myself. So what the freak are you saying so much. I can't believe I hate my father~! you sucks!

Life is a hell to me already~!! Home is another hell to me!!

8:29:00 PM

4K Lotus x))

Yay finally there's 4000 plus for our group. At least to the max that Eve & VicTeo can just rush through the 300 plus. I'm like having a sense of achievement x)) Woohoo~ Well yesterday was the last day Mogallana is supposed to fold the lotus already, oh well~ Can't help anymore, sorry~!! Hmmm nothing much yesterday, went for the study group yet not many went. So around 3 went home to meet Kah Beng & he helped me till SBM that side. Woohoo!! Thanks alot okay!! I'm like being so crazy having 10 packets of full plastic & box of lotus. I doubt I can handle all by myself if I'm supposed to head there myself LOLS !!

So went there and I spend my rest of the day folding the lotus while Brandon & Eve went to count the lotus. So all together we had 4194 but if we add in YuanYi's lotus which is not passed to us yet, so we will be having around 4600++. Woohoo!!

OH MY !!! I forgotten to do my IC, I'm like left with 3 days only!! How !!! And I'm not sure whether I'm having any remedials after school. Oh my BUDDHA LAH!! DIE LIAO~ I hope I remember to do my IC no matter what but I'm sure today I won't be able to do it since I'm like so tired already and I'm going to PKS to help out & after that going for the blading trial, but whatever it is I will be bringing the English's 10 years series x)) Once I'm have some times I will be reading it x))

Anywhere marmie, I don't know what make you change so much, I really don't know. You said they are giving up on you, and as for me I really want to give up already but I chose not to, kept trying to help you by telling all the factors that had happened, but you yourself keep saying that you will change but I never once see it. Life is yours, friends is yours. Choose yourself, I can only give you advices, but if you choose not to do it, I can't do anything. People are not unhappy that you're with Chris, don't misunderstand. It's the way you do things, you're always on the last minute term. It's forever like this, I can be very firm to tell you that how many times actually we can tolerate. We can tolerate but to a certain extent.

I can be very sure to tell you that no one can tolerate so long like we do. All the things you've done is not making us angry or what, it's making us disappointed & sad. Seriously I don't know how to help you already, but I just hope you will just come to your mind one day and do things in the correct ways. Please just remember the promise that we had made. I hope you haven't forgotten it. It's the promise that make me wanting you to change. I don't want to lose a friend just like that. Oh well, whatever I say I doubt there's use, because I'm like keep repeating myself again and again. It's going to me who is nagging at you soon. Well, this is you, I can't do anything anymore seriously. It's your life, you just have to choose yourself what you actually want.

I just hope you will read this =((

Oh well I cried again~ Boo me =((

7:51:00 AM

Friday, April 21, 2006

My head is giddy~ Oh well~!!

Been doing alot of things recently, getting sick of it. Looking at the lotus can make me scared of it but I've no choice but to keep folding until the last minute. I'm not sure if our lotus had reach the target. I finished mine and if to be exact, alot of my friends have torn afew apart and afew of the lotus was being "stealed" for the class.

Well, I really don't mind helping my group to do all the lotus, it really don't matter. I'm doing all these just because I don't want to see that we can't hit the target, I don't want my group to be scolded or rather I don't want SBM to have a bad reputation just because of the targets. I'm willing to do all these, even no matter how sick I am, how tired I am I will just try to finish up everything. Seriously, I don't wish to see anything happen to my group and SBM. I'm willing to help, I'm willing to do all these. I'm feeling so bad, feeling so helpless. Looking at them going to be scolded, I felt so bad, really. Now, I can just pray hard everything that is added together will be 5000. I hope~

I must thank those who had helped me, but then I had a quality check and mostly are not acceptable but I've redo it already, so I'm sure everything will be fine =D Thanks everyone who had helped, I really appreciated it alot though I still have to redo it but I really very appreciate all the lotus that you all had made =D

Well I'm sick =(( My head is giddy right now but whatever, I shall just have alittle rest and just start folding again =D Will be having my study group tomorrow, will be starting at 10.30am because I really have alot to ask Liang Jian. Thanks =D !!

I'm having so many mixed feelings right now =(( Well I will be alright soon, just let me finished up everything and my exams and I can sick for as long as I can x))

Felt that I really have to have some heart to heart talk with my group, my friends and especially marmie. I wondered why everything changed so fast or is it me who have changed too much? I don't know. Marmie said that everyone is giving up on her but I'm not, is just that I'm really tired, both mentally and physically. She had been promising that she will changed but nothing shows. Well, so many things happen, yet I'm trying my best to save it yet nothing shows. Seriously, I wondered why do I faced so many problems or is it me who had made up all the problems. Why people of my age won't faced so much as I do? Or is it I cared too much. Well whatever~ Trying my best to have that attitude of can't be bothered already. Maybe when I can't be bothered with things, things might get better and I won't have to worry so much.

I'm like so tired already, doing so much and coming home still must be scolded and those craps. Well I'm tired with life lah seriously. Why am I having so much of this sucky things happening. Been thinking alot lately, someone can actually say I'm slacker. Am I doing nothing at all to help everyone, I wondered. I guess I really did nothing bah~ Well, I'm tired~ Yes, life sucks~

10:54:00 PM

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Folding and folding and folding x))

Woohoo I had finished up all my lotus, there's 7 packets in total and it's all full, but there's Rachel & KahBeng who are still holding to the paper and are not finish with it. Well, just have to rush through tomorrow so that we can help other group this saturday. Everyone wished that we will hit target right x))

JiaSheng is super evil, he wanted to take my lotus and put it as our class's lotus just because of the money we will get. He still say what if we divide the money, we will get 4 dollar each. It's like damn stupid because we are doing it as a class and the money is come as a voucher and it will be our class funds and all the lotus will still pass to PKS for the structure during the vesak celebration.

I think there will be an increase in the numbers of my lotus by tomorrow because there're still people who are helping me are not finished yet. Actually there's alot of photos to be uploaded on blog but I'm just way way way too lazy to do it and more over I don't have that much of time to do these right now. Well, exams is getting more and more closer to me and I'm like super scare now. Maybe I'm demoralised by the composition marks that I had today. It's just a school work given by teacher and yet I flunked it so I'm like super scare again. I just hope I can pass each and every of my subject.

Thought alot today, suddenly feel so empty. Catergorized some of the friends I had, used to have alot of those friends who I can tell my heart to but as times passes, everyone changed and I had more friends to hang out with than to confide to. Just had lost contacts with afew of my friends due to my busy schedules, there's no time which I can just sms them and asked how are they and have a chat or just hang out together. So many close friends gone missing, marmie is one of them who had changed alot and thus I felt a distance with her, Randall and Kelvin are the two guys who I used to hang out with together and tell them my problems but now I can't even find a time to even find them.

I must really say sorry to ShanYuan, because I forgotten his birthday just because I'm too busy. I'm sorry!! I wondered if I can even find some times to work during the holiday or just have a rest =(( Oh well~

I'm so tired, lack of sleep nowadays, so I'm going to sleep now x)) Takecare =D

4:45:00 PM

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Arghhh!!

I feel like burning all my books and tearing all of them up !! I wondered how do people survived all these years with books. I just feel like gobble all up when I turned the page. It's like what on earth do people invented books and make people study, why can't just lead a simple life. Arghh~ Life is getting more and more crappy. Kept wanting to have more and more sleep but couldn't waste my time to sleep away so I tried to use it to fold the lotus and I hope everyone can hit the million lotus project for this once.

Done so much and I was doing it when my classmate come over and asked me to do for the class, well felt that all they want is to win and get the top 3 so as we could get the rewards. If they are doing just for the merits and stuffs, they won't be bothered if it's come from SBM or come from the class. I'm not referring to all, but to some of them. Seriously whenever I felt something is worth doing it and something proves me wrong. Now people are doing it for the rewards that are given and not because they wanted to wish for the peace. I don't know to whether laugh or to cry. Things always happened when I believed it, so is it trying to give me a hint that I shouldn't believe anything anymore because it sucks?

Tried to search for a friend whom I can complain to and cry on but couldn't really find one. I know I'm not lonely, I've loads of them but most of them are the one who just have fun with you and not being with you when you are at the lowest part of your life. Yes yes some helped you when you are in troubles, but did they truely understand you in and out? A true friend should know the person in and out, then that's a true friend I can call. I had loads to hang out with, but have afew whom I can really tell them my problems, but rather I chose not to.

Maybe it's the things taht I learnt in life, never to trust someone too much because you will alway be the one to be hurt the most. Gone through loads of down period and I'm sick of it. Trust and bonding are things that have to take times to develop it but yet the trust that I gave to someone is getting lesser and lesser each time.

Well, why say so much. Times show everything, time show the person's character. Oh well~

9:57:00 PM

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

You don't understand me~

So, you thought I'm okay from everything that happened, so you think by putting a smile can show that I'm happy finally. I tell you it is not, you don't understand me at all. I was no longer the girl who give a true smile, the one you will see it in the past years but, it's not now anymore. I've changed, yes I had. I can't deny the fact that I've changed. Maybe to the better, maybe to the worst. If you happened to go through the kind of life I'm leading now, then you can know how much I've been making my way out. You think is easy? Then by all means, try it.

Yes yes yes, I'm no longer the girl that you used to know, I've change so much. No longer the girl that can laugh with you, smile with you without acting & never get into deep thoughts suddenly. I know I'm no longer that cheerful, but I'm still the one who will bring happiness to you, I won't show my emotions to you. I'm still the friend who will make you laugh like mad. I'm just sorry that I've changed, but this is just the way I am. You don't know me well, you don't know that there's a huge loads of things piling up for me to solve. No matter how much I tried to solve it, another came up.

I can cry suddenly without realising it myself, but it's not that I wanted and not that I love to cry. I just couldn't hold back the tears, so why are you blaming me for changing. I just have to tell you that you don't know me well, don't try to understand me either cause you will always failed to do it. Don't ask me what had happened to my life because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. Don't try to act like you care because I know deep in your heart, you just don't care but have to put up a front to act like you care. I don't need that. No one cares at all, so why bother?

Studies, CCA, Piano, Friendship, Relationship, Family, SBM. Nothing goes right, everything went wrong. It's everything that is in my life, just everything went wrong. I can't figure out which things I had actually done it well. Nothing at all, N-o-t-h-i-n-g at all. Please just get far away from me, I"m not a good friend.

9:46:00 PM

Exams~ =((

Exams are coming, trying to cope it. Got back my paper for E math, scored a 16/20. Happy for it =D, had a small little grammer test and scored a 17/20 for it, another Chemistry Class test and I scored another 20/25. All this are my Motivation x)) I will study hard for my Mid-Year, I'm not going to disappoint anyone, but why I'm feeling so stressed up now =(( I really want to do well but I kept being so tired, keep wanting to stop everything =((

Exams date

28 April - English Language Paper 1, Paper 2

o5 May - Chinese Language Paper 1, Paper 2

o8 May - Mathematics Paper 1, Social Studies

o9 May - Science ( Physic,Chemistry ) P1; Science (Chemistry) P3

1o May - Geography (Elective)

11 May - Additional Mathematics

15 May - Mathematics Paper2, Science (Physic) P2

16 May - Design Technology

Booo~ Exams are here =(( It is dragging till 4 weeks. Boo the in-charge of this, it's tiring okay. Why don't you just give it at one shot. I won't be free from 23 April till all the way until my exams finish. Please do not call me to go out and not tempting me to go out okay !! Shit you if you tempt me x))

But I will be free on 17 May x)) It's a marking day =D I hope I can do well for this upcoming exams. I must really pull up all the marks and by next common test I pull up even more and by End of the year I'm going to aim for the A's x)) I hope I can !! Pray hard x))

Oh ya I haven't do my IC yet, can anyone remind me to have it done ?! I keep forgetting to do it =(( Woots, I'm really tired !! Can I have one day MC =(( Folding of lotus is extended till next week but ZhenFeng don't let us do after 22 April except VicTeo & Evelyn. LOLS!! This is bad =(( One for all, all for one mah =((

Hmmm what subject should I start studying first? LOLS !! hmmm~ well, I shall start with my Social Studies and E math and the A math first. =D !!! Then followed by Geography, Physic & Chemistry, then to Design and Technology. Arghh suddenyly don't feel like following the subject that I'm studying, I guess I shall just grab any books that I'm interested in and start studying x))

BOO~ I'm tired !! =((

7:50:00 PM

Lotus x))

I'm dying~ Everyone is passing me the lotus, I still have some from HangQi, YuanYi, Rachel, Forester, Mine. I wondered how am I going to struggle till SBM~ LOLS !!! Too many lotus with me, who can help me !! Just got the paper again to fold the lotus, I guess I'm dying. Kinda of phobia of folding it, went to a restaurant and there's like this pile of thing and I suddenly just shouted and when they took nearer me, it's just a tissue box which is blue. LOLS !! Guess I'm really scare of blue now.

Well who is free to help me to get all the lotus to SBM this Saturday, I doubt I can bring all there at once !!

Well I'm going back to fold. takecare x))

I hate life~

4:36:00 PM

Monday, April 17, 2006

Long time no blog =((

Firstly, I want to thank those who had wished me but I didn't know who it is, they are WeiTing Jie & Ivan x)) And I need to thank those who had wished me super early, they are KahBeng, LiangJian, Ricky and those who wished me super late that is, Eugene, LiangJian, ZeMing. Liang Jian is super cute, kept complaining that he always can't make it on time, it's either too early or too late LOLS !!!

Hmmm well, it's been super long time since I blogged. Been too busy nowaday and I hardly have time to remember what date it is and now I forgotten about KokWei, ShanYuan, my Mother's birthday. I'm sorry!! I didn't find out what date it is until today I wrote the date on my assignment and found out that it's already the 17th of April. It's like it is a sudden that I'm in the fouth month of the year.

There are alot of things to blog about but I doubt I have time to write out everything. Well, I will be updating Mogallana's blog more than my blog =(( Sorry~!! You can try take a look over there, I will still try my best to update both of them okay =D !! Hmmm, well been doing alot of the folding of the lotus lately. I'm like doing it everywhere, be it in class, MRT, walking, recess time, after school. Just for everything I done, I will just try not to waste time by folding the Lotus so as to hit our target.

Hmm I'm here to thanks alot of people who have helped me nowadays, I'm still left with alot. I must thanks all the guides sisters who helped, my classmates =D !! I really must give a very big thanks to all of you !! Thanks alot !!! I hope we can hit the target this time round. =D Hmmm, I had got sick now, but trying not to be sick because there are really still alot things I haven't been done. I haven't revised & my first paper is starting next friday. How wonderful life can be =((

I'm getting a very bad headache right now, keep coming again and again. Once I'm got well from it, it came once more. Bad bad headache =( It hurts okay ~!! Making me to be so giddy and couldn't concentrate on my work =(( Anyone can helped me with my studies?? =DD

Been thinking alot nowadays, kept crying and crying. It's lame I know, but I just couldn't help it. Don't ask why because I'm not going to listen all the "hey, don't be sad.... blahblahblah" stuffs again. Boo you x)) Been trying to answer back that question why am I doing so much things, and I finally found the answer =D !! It's because, I loves them =D No matter how tired I go, how sick I'm getting from all this shit, how stupid am I going to take all this, how much time I spent on them, it's all worth it, maybe it's not worth doing to all of you but at least it's worth to me =D But no matter what just don't claim or conclude that I'm a slacker like what the stupid Brandon had said. Freak you!! Get me ? You know nothing at all, you are just another one who conclude things, seeing things on the surface. I hate that, I'm drop-dead serious.

Went out to study with him yesterday, and my impression for him is a damn bad one, Evelyn I know you going to read it and start to tell him blahblahblahblah, whatever it is, I can't be bothered because I already don't care about him. Getting damn enough of him, he's the first guy that I can't even tolerate, I can always take people nonsense and stuffs but only him. He making me damn sick of him, kept always having this mindset of saying people and being sarscastic with his words. I'm sorry I can't be perfect, I can't accept his sarscastic-ness. He kept pointing his finger saying I'm whiny and WeiMing had been another one who said that I'm whiny, but when did I actually whine to them. Freaked up~

That's why this is another problem that I don't even want others to know my problem, they will just start telling me off saying " hey, do you know you're damn whiny ? " A example come from both of them, but when did I ever whine to them I wondered? So might as well, I don't even start to say anything about myself anymore, it's super damn hurting when people conclude something. At times, I really do too much things and I start to cry and asked myself why am I doing so much things when it's always other who benefit, it's always others that took all the credits, it's always me and me and me who got all those shit. Seriously, for this I'm still searching for an answer, at least doing something is because I loved them but this thing is another problem. I don't see any link towards it, so when I do so much things and people started to tell me that I'm doing nothing and I'm like going " what the heaven? " They just alway claim I'm doing nothing, it's damn hurting can!! So all the efforts, all the things I've done it's all nothing at all in the end. People can go around telling me that others are doing things and I'm a slacker, I'm doing nothing at all. WHAT THE HEAVEN!!!!! I can't tolerate this nonsense, it's just another typical nonsense.

Seriously, there's really a time which I decided not to go anymore, since people are saying that I did nothing at all then by all means, I shall just get my hands off everything, since people are doing the jobs why should I interfere, right? But when I wanted to leave, I suddenly felt that I'm doing for the sake of them just because I love each and everyone of them. I cried and I really cried when I started to think of it. Even when I'm folding the lotus, I can start to cry without realising.

Oh ya, saw jashawn with his girlfriend on the friday night, alittle sad over it but gotten over by the major problems that I'm having. He is forever changing girlfriend, can't understand why he couldn't just settle down with one, flirty guy~ Wonder how much bad karma have he accumulated -.-"

Thought alot already, felt that I don't have the capability to do anything, suddenly feel like leaving the outside world and just hang around by myself. Maybe I should do it, no one will need me to do anything, they can survive they can do all the things by themself. No one needed me like what my brothers always said. I'm getting damn affected by the things happening around. Hais~ Whatever, no one needs me =D

Booo my life x))

Jashawn chatted with me but who cares~ He sucks x)) Keep changing your girlfriends don't do you any good~ Freak~ x)) Playing people's feeling and claiming that you did not play is another bad things to do x)) You don't look cute neither are you nice. Even you are nice, only act~

i am jashawn = ) Dressing Up Gives Me A Reason To Go Out - Attitude=100% says:
got time come find me

LOLS even gort time I also don't find you lah, boliao guy~ Waste my time only, don't even know why I will go steady with you in the first place. Couldn't even search out an answer for it, you don't even meet my standard. LOLS !! BOOOO LAH~

Lame me~

7:43:00 PM

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Happy Birthday to me xD

Since I had time, I might as well write a post about my birthday. Not a terrible one, at least a better one than last year xD Thanks to everyone =D.

Okay firstly shall thanks all the people who wishes me.

o1 - Kokwei
o2 - ShanYuan
o3 - Ryan
o4 - ShiFu
o5 - Jackson
o6 - AmandaSim
o7 - JunTing Kor
o8 - Zhi Wei (Deyi)
o9 - Alex
1o - Lionel
11 - EngHua
12 - JunQiang
13 - Pris
14 - Rainer
15 - JunPei
16 - HuiXuan
17 - Melissa
18 - Esther
19 - LiangEng
2o - XiangYu
21- Christopher Daddy
22 - YuanYi Marmie
23 - PingYan
24 - JingQian
25 - WaiYik
26 - ZhiWei (WoodlandRings)
27 - Angelina
28 - YuanKiat
29 - Gladys
3o - ShiXiong, Alvin, Randall
31 - Wilson
32 - Keith
33 - ChunChong
34 - Darren
35 - WeiRong
36 - Nick
37 - YunFang
38 - Jocelyn DaSao
39 - Big Kor
40 - AmandaGoh
41 - ZhenFeng

The last one is x)) ZHENFENG LOLS!! LOLS *touched* again LOLS !! maybe cause he snatch bu dao the first one LOLS !!!!! den get the first from the behind LOLS

Hmmm why there's 3 person in 30th is because they're sweet, say 1, 2, 3 and speak to the phone with me at the other line. LOLS !! Thanks thanks okay x))

So let me tell you who get the first LOLS !

First in Smsing - KokWei
First in Calling - Alex
First in telling me before my birthday - KahBeng
First in giving me present - KahBeng
First in Msn - Ryan
First in Tagging - Alex

Jackson supposed to be the first one before Kokwei, LOLS but he just earlier by afew second and I told him I won't count him cause it's still not 12 yet, and he explain taht his clock already strike 12, den I replied, my JUST strike. When it just strike, smses came in and his sms just came in so it became the 5th one LOLS !! So he was down there complaining and complaining LOLS !! Afew people also stayed up late just to wish me, yet some stayed halfway and couldn't take it and just sleep. LOLS at least I'm touched okay ~

Won't be blogging about school today, it's boring~ LOLS !! Hmmm so let's start with the present first before I go on about the outing with my MogallanaFamily x)). Didn't get as much present like last year but it's already enough LOLS !! Loads of people are telling me that they will give but belated LOLS it's okay okay~ Can save money don't give derhx =D I don't mind okay!!

First present is the movie from KahBeng - Ultraviolet LOLS !! Sorry there's no pictures of it LOLS !! Second present is from my Big kor & Wei Lai Da Sao LOLS - a piglet mug xD !! It's cute okay but I lost my pictures LOLS don't know where is it now LOLS ! Nvm I shall go take again and put it up soon =D

3rd present from my Darling Pris

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Not so easy okay LOLS !!
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Inside the purse contain ~

4th Present from my mummy, papa, hangqi korkor LOLS

5th Present from Evelyn

6th Present from Evelyn; ZhenFeng

7th present - ZhenFeng

present given by him LOLS he's reminising his childhood okay LOLS

Shall end the present with my cake LOLS I forgotten to take photo of it before cutting LOLS.

LOLS taken some photo with my dearest xD

We played zhong ji mi ma~ Whoever lose is supposed to drink that red cup of water which is filled with water, chilly, pepper, salt. LOLS !! It's lame but who cares LOLS yet in the end no one drank. LOLS !!

Took neoprints today too, I'm ugly okay LOLS !

I love mogallana okay x))

I love her too =D

10:30:00 PM

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

CRAPSS LAH!!

Woo~ Exams are coming and I'm having a super bad mood & I just don't feel like doing anything just want to sit right on my sit and just do nothing at all, haven't been doing anything today but I did alot in school so well shall take it as I studied now. It's been very long time since I really do sit there and do nothing and not doing anything at all, but guess I can only have once for now as exams is really around the corner, can't really waste much time. Well, I can but I got to say byebye to a good result, but it's just too bad I will still try my best for it.

Was chatting with WenCai just now, he said that he needed at least 5 years to let his business stable. Hmm, in 5 years time, I will be 20. Where will I be at that time?? Studying? Dead? Working? Oh well, it's future~ But I really feel like seeing what will my future be like. I wanted to see my past life too, anyone want to watch recarnation?? Wondered how I died in the past life, how did I do in past life, what am I in the past? Just being alittle curious over all this thing recently.

Our school are having Montage as usual, will be released at 12.05 x)) Kinda glad though, supposed to go Montage but didn't want to go anymore as Esther told me alot of thing so well, I chose not to go, alittle waste money & time. Crap school~ Guess I will be slacking in school tomorrow too, right before recess, we are having 4 periods of D & T pratical. I'm done with my design, but haven't really done with the artefacts. It's a jewellery rack. Wanted some rack to put my messy stuffs in it and came out with this, though I don't know will be in a nice shape but I know that it come in useful to me.

Loads of people are counting down to my birthday, but yet I'm not looking forward. LOLS !! Craps right~ Anywhere I must really thank Jackson, kinda touched ~ He wake up every morning at 6.30am though he did not have to attend school nor work now and just to wake me up at 6.45am. LOLS !! I did not even ask him to do it at all, he just call, but had to wake up early to be his experiment in the first few day. LOLS !! He did not even ask what time I needed to wake up and woke me up at 6am. LOLS !!

Having Swensen tomorrow with Mogallana family. ZhenFeng is treating but told him to just forget about my birthday since when we save up from one birthday, we doesn't have to worry for another one. I know about our poor family, so as much as we can save, will try to let them save. Yet, the stupid ZhenFeng kept argue with me !! LOLS Booo you~ And he needed to talk to me tomorrow! LOLS !! You you you~!! Better don't make me cry ah ~!! LOLS !! If not I will whack you ~ LOLS

*Pray* No crying for tomorrow even how much I want to cry, I have to hold back =D !! No more another unlucky 1 year LOLS !!! * Pray Pray Pray *

After today post, I don't know when will I be posting again. Tomorrow I'm going home to bath and going out with Esther & all, met up marmie around 3.30 & have some walk around & meet the others at PS Swensen & I don't know what time will I be back. LOLS ya-dah ya-dah LOLS you know I hate to go home yeah~ LOLS !! Friday have to wake up early and go for the dance pratice & Saturday have to wake up even more earlier to head to ChungChengHigh(Main) to have our Sandwich making competition & head back to SBM for the sharing. Sunday will be having my Piano lesson as usual and head towards SBM for the dance~ I planning to study during my weekday and work hard for SBM on the weekend =D !! Piano ah~ shall do it when I have really free time x)) Girl Guide I try my best to finish it up as much as I can x))

Okay, shall let all my tears and fears to get off by tonight. At 12am I shall not let my tears to fall again~ How I wish I can press the refresh and let everything refresh again~ I'm getting older, like what WenCai said, a new year a new beginning ~ Oh well, I hopes~

*Proof*~

11:20:00 PM

*BITES*

LOLS !! I'm having a very bad ache all over my body, had the arm ache due to the Inclined Pull up, I did 16 okay =D Hmmm, had a super super super duper pain ache at my stomach there, guess it's because of the sit up, done 31 and I just stopped quickly. Painnnn!~ * BITES * I'm so pain lahhhh! My neck hurt, my throat hurt. Wahhhh sehhhhh~ =(( Who can save me from this torture =(( Bad day =((

7:19:00 PM

One More day ~

Nothing better to do today, had a super terrible soar throat that I felt like just take some knife and poke right through it. It is just so pain can and it felt so hot over at the area. It sucks okay, I know I getting sick but keep refrain myself from getting sick. Oh well, might as well faster school starts and I get sick LOLS !! Getting sick of waking up early and going to school to study =(( Give me one day off can ~ LOLS !! I hope I don't get some fever tomorrow. LOLS Told you already that it always a bad thing for birthday to come near LOLS !!

Had fun in Chinese & E math lesson as both teacher did not come and we continuously seeing the same teacher. LOLS !! He's super funny, keep spending almost half of the day trying to figure out a question that I asked and yet Xiang Kang, Lu Song & Yu Xiang just did it out together though they take alittle longer but the teacher take even more longer and the answer is wrong LOLS !! Yet the A math question, I found out that I actually knew how to do, but didn't know that I miss out steps so it is incomplete, leaving a few more calculation I will be correct already.

Hmmmm, after school met up with Pris & Angelina. She bought me a present and I kept forgetting to pass her her present which I had bought a long long time ago. Booo~ I'm so forgetful =(( Sorry Pris !!!! Hmmm, after that she accompanied me to go and buy the Guide's Sandwich making things & finally we stopped at a staircase and she want me to open the present. LOLS !! I'm so super camera-shy okay !! LOLS !! She keep want to see what will be my reaction if I saw what she had given me LOLS !! Okay I won't be blogging out until tomorrow LOLS neh ni neh ni boo boo~ LOLS Hint : A super pratical things =D LOLS But it's cute, serious.

Hmmm blahhh nothing much to blog already, shall post up some pictures LOLS

The Rocket thing for yesterday, done with xiangyu =D

Esther drew me that =D *touched*

A cat sleeping at my corridor, is it a Zhao Cai Cat mah?? LOLS

7:00:00 PM

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Crapp~

Birthday means I'm going to be 15. Let's definite Birthday, A day which you are born. Oh seriously, Why am I being born. My brothers had been scolding my mother for giving birth me. So why give birth to me? And I'm had 9 years difference from my brother, 6 years difference from my second brother. At least when they don't give birth to me, they are already waiting for my brother to get out of army and get a job and take care of them and they don't even have to takecare of me at all.

Used to celebrate birthday at home but ever since last year, came home and everyone forgotten it, nothing special on that day, after crying for the whole day just get back home and start the 2nd time of crying. Even my family can't remember it. Okay at least it's last year~

Whateverrrr, I'm okay. Don't ask me why or what happened to my life. I don't feel like talking about it anymore. Keeping it to myself is the best thing afterall.

9:27:00 PM

Short Post =D ~

Hmmm, will be a short post, I shall elaborate all the stuffs that happened today next time. Well, I guess I totally break down even physically, guess I tired myself too much that I went crazy too. My throat hurts right now. Had been very lame for the whole day, try asking Esther because she knew about it. LOLS !! Chatted with Jackson and he said that I really went crazy & he really need to bring me to see doctor. LOLS !! So was chatted and chatted and he said that guess I'm too stressed up already, can be laughing yet sad here sad there LOLS !! I'm crazy lahhhhhh !! Well who cares XD !!

Am I really very stressed? LOLS !! Aiya don't talk about this already LOLS !! Yesterday had alot things happened but I'm not going to elaborate x)) Well afterall it's just too bad for me =D Afterall I'm still not very fit for it so what for. Seriously, I feel like asking how people think of me. A bitch or what? I want people to be honest though =D Felt afew people had been looking at me in a different way, I don't know why though. Hmmm just alittle disappointed by yesterday, thought alot, but whatever the case. I managed to find a way to at least self-console myself but keep being ruined by other thinking. ARghhh whateverr, just everything and everything is disappointing me, even one of the important thing in my life had disappointed me. Oh well, that's life. Yeah life sucks =D

Went through my cousin blog, it is quite true though. Go buy 1 packet of Red Beans & 1 packet of Green Beans & get 2 identical containers. When you're sad, just drop 1 red beans in one of the containers and if you're happy drop the green one in another. I don't even need any beans, I can be sure that the red one definitely will have more than the green one. Contented with life? How can I be contented when everythings and I really mean everythings are going haywired. Nothing is going right, well freak all this thing, shall just perished from everything one day & just concentrate with my studies. At least when I did badly, there's only one thing that will disappoint me.

Just feeling so helpless, always doing so much things and I really mean so much things and what I get is always shit and shit and still shit. It is forever the same thing, even though it is all different matters. Each time I do so much things, I always get so disappointed. Friendship, family... Why why why why?? Even for people who I look upon to is another disappointment. Oh well, craps stuffs again. Maybe it is really me who is causing so much disappointment. The shadows that had been cast is getting more and more darker, so overwhelming that I couldn't take it. Maybe I should just be some nobody in the corners of the world where I bothers nothing & care nothing.

Oh well, crap life~ Freaked up life.
Broke down again~

8:54:00 PM

Monday, April 10, 2006

life is down =(

BOO~ I miss the times when my auntie and all of us make the cheese cake together and eating it with a sense of achievement because it is our effort in it, but now =(( I doubt we have time to do the cheese cake together and eating it together =(( BOOOO~ I LOVES CHEESE CAKE and I WANT TO DO !! Who is interested to do with me =D But I forgotten the procedure already =(( Just remember the crushing of the biscuit to make the base but the cheese part, I forgotten all =(( Bad bad memory.

Impermanence =(( I lost Amanda's grandfather. Although he is Amanda's grandfather but I still look upon him. Afew days before he passed away, I'm like still saying " HELLOS UNCLE *smilesmile* " yet now he's gone, so sudden although he's already 80s. Still remember that he used to give me money but I'm like keep running away because I really don't need the money and he is not working and I'm not supposed to take it. Yet when I run, he run with me =( On that day, I'm with SBM people dancing until at night when my father broke the news to me. It came as a shocking news. Maybe because I did not really see the people that I know gone suddenly except all my pets which I know around when they are going to die. Impermanent, just everything is so impermanent.

*shrugs* Felt alittle lost, a friend came & sms me today, he said that he had read my blog. Maybe he trying to console me but I'm really okay. He said that I am giving too much to others leaving nothing for myself. Had a chat for awhile before I claim that I want to study but actually that period I don't have any lesson. I'm sorry if you're reading this. The things had been going through me for quite a long time. Am I really giving too much to others?? Was I supposed to be self-centred? I don't know~ Too many things happening, 3 more days to birthday. Hope it just stopped from then on. I don't know why I'm giving so much though I know that I will be getting nothing.

He said that I'm trying too hard on things, yet always getting judge by others wrongly. Maybe? I don't want to know further anymore, I know he's saying for my own good but I don't want to change the perspect of my life. I don't want to be one that giving & asking for return. I don't want to be the one who is self-centered. He's another one who say that I'm giving too much to whatever thing, always having no time for ownself. Trying so hard yet making myself so sad. I don't know why but I'm always feeling so failure over things. I don't even know which things I had actually done the best, I guess it's just nothing at all. Can't even figure out if there is any best thing I had done. Maybe I'm being too failure to be a person.

Well I guess so, too failure to be a good friend, a girlfriend (used to), a good students, a good daughter, a good sister, a good secetary, a good guide. Everything and everything. Found out that it's always birthday that I'm getting all those shit stuffs, but I'm not going to cry this birthday. I don't want to have another bad 1 year. It's already enough. I hate occasions, but I love the holiday =(( Never mind at least prepared for the worst already. At least when tragic stuffs happened, I won't get too affected. Chatted with Jackson yesterday, and he told me that one thing I can avoid from all those stuffs is not going to school, not contacting anyone so there won't be any bad thing that will happened nor I will get, but I can't be not going to school right?

Oh well, getting too emotional nowaday, keep breaking down. Shall end here, I don't want to elaborate anymore further. Tired of all this is all I can say.

I'm okay =D

8:14:00 PM

Job Job Job

Weee~ I found a job at Bugis Village, but I can't find time to go for it =(( I'm like so disappointed. There's basic pay + commission. 4 bucks an hour, starting hours from 11am - 4pm. Yet, I can't go at all, Saturday I'm having our Study Group at 12.30. Sunday, I'm having my piano till 12 & dance start at 2. ARGHH *ROARS* I need to work =(( My bank's money is getting lesser and lesser each day even I tried to save but I still have to spend it on those school stuffs. It's like they're wasting our money, forcing us to go for whatever Australia competition for Math which is like a waste of money, but at least, I managed to eat less due to forgetful & thus saving more money xD Weird stomach I had, even by forgetting to eat can even be full =D I'm so proud xD !!

Nothing much happened today as usual. Only one thing that is not the same as other time, rushed home so as I have more times =D Yet, I'm too tired so went to sleep & awaken from the person who need people to work. =(( I must really thank her for waking me up otherwise I doubt I can wake up because I'm just so tired =(( Shall stop here, got to get back to work. BOO~ BYE~!! =D

I feel like playing Para Para =(( I must go play one day. xD !!

Oh ya, I dreamt about him ytd & I had another bad dreams today =(( I hate dreams =(( Dreams, you sucks. Get me ?!?! BOOO~!!

BYE~

I'm okay, serious =D

6:55:00 PM

Sunday, April 09, 2006

bad times =(

I tell you as a brother u know nothing about me. You are always concluding everything. Am I really happy with my life, yes yes I've been smiling here and there but do you ever know that I'm trying very hard to be happy? You are always telling others how much you know me but ask yourself truely, do you really know me, OR did you even try to understand me? To be truthfully to you, you know nothing about me.

You don't know that I'm trying my very best to cope with all my studies, girl guide, piano, SBM, friendship & even the relationship between our family. Whatever you said, you can always say that I can give up SBM, but ask yourself, during the down period that I had, no one was there except them. They were the one who listened, teach me and accompanied me out. Loads of them are giving me the advice, telling me all those, though they know I'm still sad but they did try to at least pull me out of that period. Where were you all at that time? You were there to add into my problems, each time I came home, I never felt any peace at all. You know yourself. Always getting home and quarrel with me. Yes yes you said that everyone is having their free time at home playing and you are back at home to have all this shit. Ask yourself, are you going through as much as I had? Did you ever spare a thought for me? You are always the one who find quarrel with me & I can only quietly tolerating.

You are always saying that I waste my time on SBM, but didn't I tell you that they were the one who accompanied me through all this breaking up of friendship & relationship, thus they slowly built up my trust & having my commitment there. I can be firm and tell you that I'm not wasting my time at all, I knew this is worth and I'm not going to stop. Did you ever come to your mind when you wake up one day & you lost your sister? You didn't at all, I almost had thought of death when I met all those problems & you are still adding into it, but with all of them, I managed to get out of it. I'm weak I know myself but I'm trying hard to stay strong. There are too many things that I had never tell everyone, when I'm sad I never go around telling people "Hey, I'm sad" I just stay there and accept my life. I don't want to give people that thought that I'm sad and thus, people start giving me sympathy. I don't need anyone to pity me.

You didn't know how hard I'm coping my studies, each time I ask you to teach me on one questions, you always giving me those frustrated look and say later. So I waited and I waited very long so I asked again. Yes you started to teach me but in a frustrarted way that I don't even want to know further so just acted that I know what you are talking about. You don't know that I really want to quit school, I hate the teachers, I hate the people there. I studied everyday but you just claim that I didn't study at all. What do you know about? You are always saying that ITE is my future and you know that it makes me very sad. I studied but everyone concluded that I did not study. Must I study infront of you to show that I studied?

At that time when my friendship broke, you did not even care at all not even asking about how are we or rather what am I going to do. You did not even care and you keep telling people how much you care. Actions speak louder than words. I just didn't want to tell others that you are not doing as what you are saying. Do you know I hated home, I hate to come home, I hate to even stay at home. You asked me to get out of the house, yes I will get out of this house one day. I will show you definitely.

Everytime you all start telling me to play the piano and all, but please think do I even have the time for it. I rather use the time to study than to pratice the piano. I can always continue my piano when I finished my studies but all of you just couldn't let me to do it. So stop yelling at me about not praticing my piano. All of you know nothing about me. Nothing at all!! No one know loads of things about me not because I don't trust them but because I don't want to add into people problems. At that time when everyone are down, I acted I'm okay but I'm depressed too but I did not start telling people anything at all. I don't want to fill with people with my problems so I just listen to others and hope they get better & I loves to listen to people cause I know it will make them feel better and making me feel better too & I don't even wish to let anyone of them to lead the life I'm having. My birthday wish is just so simple, wishing everyone will be well and happy even though I'm not included.

I hate birthday, always having some stupid things to happen. I'm already tired about it. Why can't all of you as my family just give me some peace when I get home and not just start to scream at me over something small. I don't ask all of you to be behind my back and helping me but I just only ask for some peace. I'm leading a very pathetic life, but all of you doesn't know at all. Yes yes I broke down today again, there's no doubt that I'm breaking down every 1 or 2 weeks. I cried even by just writing this small little post. With all the upcoming events and exams I doubt I even have time to write another post until everythings is over. I even have to sacrifice my hobbies, my life just because I'm lack of time.

I don't know why there are more things happening for me than other kids of my ages. Maybe like what Ryan said that that the mentality that I had, I always feel that I'm having stress but just look at how many things I'm facing, I can't be having the mentality that "ohyay!! I'm not stress at all" even by telling that to me, it's just temporary. At times when I'm studying, I can even forget about my lunch, dinner. I can go without foods for few days and without realising that I did not eat. So stop concluding that I did not study when all you see are the surfaces, surfaces and still surfaces. I hate people to conclude, I hate people to judge me. You know nothing about me so just shut up and get lost. No one know better than myself, I show that I'm happy doesn't means I'm not sad.

What all of you have in mind is, I'm just another carefree girl who waste time. Just another cheerful girl or stuffs like tat. I tell you, as my mother, father, brothers. You should be knowing me better than others but it shows that you all don't even try to go and understand me like others. Always finding faults and quarrels. You know that I'm already getting sick of it but you didn't even try to stop. Just stop screaming over somethings small, from now onwards, I shall just keep my big mouth shut and let you guys to start screaming at the top of your lungs. I don't care & I can't be bothered. Tried to talk to all of you in a better way but it's useless till I given up hopes already.

I get hurt from a relationship & friendship and all of you didn't know that from this I had a phobia on trusting people? Yes you can say that it serve me right because no one tell me to accept him. You didn't know that you all as my family had lie to me too. All the empty promises are already more than enough to add into the phobia. Call me a loser, call me a pathetic. I don't care anymore, I can't be bother too. I hate being at home I really do. I really just need some peace at home, I don't want to even coming home feeling stressed up.

Life's always been down for me =((

8:01:00 PM

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Too naive =((

Sorry about the previous post, crap stuffs. Guess I just can't trust people around me, chatted with Esther and we found out that there are people who are our friends, actually lie to us. They alway say whatever crap stuffs to prevent us from studying, during my exam periods, they're the one who say " I'm not going to study, I'm going to give up already " Yet what they get was a good marks and crap stuffs & for Esther and me were the one who lose out. We were the one who really believe on people but what we get was all lied. So I'm sorry about the previous post, think too much already.

Guess I can't trust people that much already, not even people who are close to me. Who knows they might just hide a knife behind them and when times come by, they just stab me at the back. Well, who knows?

I'm just too naive~

11:29:00 PM

Study with TohWee

Hmm nothing much happened today, smsed with PingYan for the whole day, told him not to wait already, the impression he gave me was quite a bad one & he did complain about it and I did change the the impression of him already but he ruined it again, so it's just too bad =D but he still insisted in waiting, so what to do? Might as well let him give up by himself.

Studied with TohWee today and he teach me A math =D Get to know more about Quadratic Inequality but I just finish my test =(( Anyway at least I get to know it's already better than last time already. Found out that my log really sucks, guess I have to get back to the basic already. There are so many rules which I got mixed up, and whenever he asked a question I don't even know how to answer. He said that Mr Lee is a good teacher, and he kept telling me about how Miss Neo had teach them and stuffs and it made me feeling that I want Miss Neo to be my A math teacher =(( I'm sorry Mrs Lim, maybe to Yvoone or whoever, they can understand the way you teach but as for me I can't.

2 Months already, we had broke 2 months already, times flies so fast, it seems like yesterday we were together. Chatted with LiangEng and told her that it seems like it's just yesterday that we 're Sec1. Times changes everything, surrounding took our innocent soul away, broken hearted make us forget about the happiness that we had. As we met people who lied, who made us sad, our heart start to form a soft layer that protect us away from the dangers that we are facing & as times goes by and the more problems and people we met, the more layers it formed. The trust that we used to give easily had slowly decreased. So please do not cheat or lie to anyone anymore, maybe it doesn't really matter to you but it might cost a phobia for them to trust again.

I used to be innocent, thought that everyone was nice, no fakers nothing at all, but what I get was all those stupid things & slowly I knew that trust shouldn't be given out easily. You never know what the person is up to. Give trust slowly, never hurry because true people will stay. What I thought of Love last time, it is something that is powerful enough to make you change to a better person, a real love that is between two people, but when I step into this reality, everything proves me wrong. It's not all love is true, they get together and they played. Some go for looks, others go for money. Friendship is another thing that I always thought that will last till forever till you get old, but again reality proves me wrong. Not all friendship are true, some are true but fragile. People tends to make friend with you when you are famous, rich, pretty/handsome or whatever things.

So where's the trust that we used to have? Where are the true friendships and love? Where are all the things that we use to have? A innocent you and having a true friendship. No backstabbing nothing, just a simple 4 words " I don't friend you" when you dislike the person. Where is the innocent person who don't put on fakes smile when they are unhappy but still have to have it on so as not to affect others' mood? Where are the us that get happy over something simple when some adults give u a sweet?

Everything changed, seriously.

6:48:00 PM

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Girl Guide =D

No Chemistry today!! I was sleeping throughout the whole two period, was supposed to wake up at the second period and Melissa did wake me up but I'm just too tired so I told her give me five minutes and she kept say " nonono " LOLS !! I must really thank her but in the end I told her forget it because I'm really tired and I'm having CCA today, so she grant my wish and let me sleep =D

Had our A math test today, I finished it early and I'm so scare because when I finished the paper and looked up, everyone is still doing the paper but I had finished, so check again and again but can't find any wrong unless my arrow is wrong and I can't believe that a person who fails so badly like me can finish it in such a short time and still manage to do it all except one question which I can't even understand. So now, I can only pray hard that I can at least get a pass for it, a pass is enough and I will slowly increase my target =D

Nothing much today, decided to edit some of my wishlist, cancel out some of it already, find it a waste of money and a waste of time. Changed my song since my birthday is coming so this song is - 祝我生日快乐. I guess I won't be changing my blogskin for the time being already, firstly is because I don't have any new idea for a new blogskin and secondly, I'm still running with time. Still trying to search for somethings that I can aim for, was still thinking whether I want to be a web designer or some multimedia students or just another business student next door. Being a web designer, I must really have different new ideas for it and it is important to have the passion for it. I do have alot of passion for it but I need alot time to think of some new ideas =(( So, which road am I taking?!?! A JC or a Poly, I'm still unsure of it.

Had some wishes for this coming birthday & seriously I don't crave for any present or anything, just wanted some peace and to have everyone to be well & happy, it's gotta be a most great present I will be getting. I used to be hoping for loads of presents to be received that day but I had a terrible and a horrible birthday last year and it make me realise that temporary happiness is just so useless, what I really needed and it's the most pratical things that I can have is having a permanent happiness that is having peace, having everyone to be well & they must be happy.

Terrible & a horrible birthday that I had was started wonderful but ended sadly, had loads of birthday coming in, had all the things that I wanted. Dog, rebonding, Jacket, Hamster, Soft toys & more. It added up together that I had almost 20 present, but what I get in the end was tears. Cried that day because of some crap stuffs about friendship, broke friendship & alot of things with the guys. Felt so helpless, so useless and all the tears that I had been holding back the past few days finally let down on my birthday itself. They said that when you cried on your birthday, you will have bad luck for the one whole year so here am I, another good example for it. I'm unlucky throughout, broke another friendships with the girls, lose this lose that losing everything.

So 8 more days to my birthday, just wish that after this 8 days, my life will get alittle better & have everyone to be happy & healthy. Maybe is because of the trip to RenCi that I really have to forcus on the health that we're having, being healthy & happy is the most wonderful things in the world already. Another good news that I've got again is that " My hamster once again had babies " LOLS !! The guy is super oh-my, it's been 2weeks & so, and it's now having the 2nd batch babies. I hope my mother know what to do this time round.

Had my first present from KahBeng which is a movie treat x)) Thanks thanks !!! & now another second present that I had get is from my dearest hamsties, they had given birth again =D Guess I can be more than contented already, so now I'm just lack of having people around me to be well & happy. It got to be a best present ever. Remember once you are happy, I can be more than contented already. Contented with life is always what I crave for, happiness is what I always hope for =D

Not going to montage on my birthday already, so I guess I will be slacking at home =D It doesn't really matter if am I going to have any celebration or anything anymore like the past few years, at least this year, my mother remembered my birthday and said that she will give me 50 dollar, but it's only for saving but it's already enough because I'm broke =(( Anyway I'm happy as the day after my birthday, it's Good Friday. Though I'm not a christian, but we are going to East Coast again x)) Who want to join us?!?!~ We're going on this coming saturday and going for the study group after that =D It is going to be a packed week already =((

I suddenly had this missing about my old friends, though I made new friends but I still won't forget about my old friends like LayKheng, PoeiFang, Amanda, this this that that. Those Jie that I treasured like WeiTing jie, AhMei Jie, WenTing Jie, Yun Li Jie. Those kor that I treasured like EngHua Kor, JunTing kor. It's been ages since we last meet up =((

Well nothing much anymore, got to mug for my E-Math test tomorrow. I hope I can pass well, I had no more aim for passes except for my A math, I aiming for something higher and harder, though it's difficult but I can't be staying at the same spot anymore. Had some self-reflection alittle here and there when I started to have my mind drift off, wanted things to get better and my result to aim higher.

Chatted with Dexter when I'm on the way home from guide, he called and we started chatting. While we are chatting, found out that this 4 years that I had knew him, we hardly chat on phone or rather is that we never chat on phone. Started to think back to the past and he asked me why that I rejected him last time, and I answered that it's already been around 4 years back already, why still think about it? He wanted some answer about why I rejected him and why I still give those WeiRong, Jashawn a chance. To be serious, I don't know. Managed to drop the subject and changed into something stupid about the ShiPeng whom I hardly knew anything about him.

Shall stop here and get back to my work again =(( Still can't finish the amount of work that I've been owning the teachers =(( One of the things that can make me happy is blogging, having all those sadness been poured out is good, but too bad I can't be blogging for the whole night and doing nothing but blogging =((

Goodbye xD

8:11:00 PM

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I'm so sick lah~!

Yesterday went to watch Ice Age 2 with my brother, he bluff me !! We were supposed to watch the 9.10 pm show and yet around 6++, he had already asked me to join him. So I thought that we were watching the 7.40 one but in the end we need to waste 2 hours to watch the 9.10 show!! Wasted 2 hours and I can do alot of things in this 2 hours. ARGHHH~!!

But in the end we use the time to go and eat and waited for Alwin, finally time is up so we headed in. The show was super funny, I shall give it a 4.5 / 5. *thumbs up* =D I shall recommend this movie to everyone !! If you have a chance you need to watch it. The last part was pretty unexpected and super funny!! I just love the clumsy squirrel xD !! It can die because of the nuts xD !! He had actually step into the heaven already but return back to the world because .......... LOLS you shall see it yourself xD ! I have the video xD !! My hand was super tired as I've been holding my handphone for 40 + mins. It is still worth =D Anyone want to watch it can just come find me =D

Me & my wei lai da sao xD

The cute squirrel

Ellie !! Another mammals that survived.

Nerdy us xD

LOLS the show xD !!

Okay now I shall blog about today, had our PE today and we get to know our result for our road run. I'm in rank 44 and I took 13 mins 07 second to run it =(( Never mind at least I'm in the top 50 and I get 5 points for it xD !! So had our Shuttle run, Sit & Reach and I guess I had already gotten 13 marks =D !! I'm sure I got to fail my Standing broad jump~ =((

Nothing much today, had a romantic walk with LiangEng back as it is raining heavily and I'm late. Before that, we were walking all over the school to find the guide people =(( Finally, we managed to get them, but had to leave after awhile. The rain is pouring super heavy today and I'm drenched all over. Walked under the MRT track and started to squeeze all the water out from my shirt & my skirt. I doubt I have shoe for tomorrow already =((

Get home to bath and went to meet KahBeng to watch Ultraviolet. A rather so-so show but the action they showed is nice x)) Shall rate 3/5 xD !! It's storyline is not that nice but the action is marvellous. You can watch it if you loves action-packed movie =D Oh ya I want to watch Fragile, but it's NC16. We were watching the trailer when it show the Fragile and before that KahBeng had asked me to bluff and said that I forgotten to bring it. ARghhh yet I didn't want to take the risks & lied so there goes my Fragile show =(( *ROARS*

Okay shall end here =(( I'm tired & we are having our A math test tomorrow =(( Hope I can do it as till now I still couldn't understand Mrs Lim's lesson =(( Whoever is free can teach me ?? =(( Oh ya, had been trying to stay awake this few days and I just couldn't take it and slept at the last few periods =(( I'm so so so tired and sick but I just couldn't take any MC because I just can't afford to miss lesson =((

I'm so sick~ =(( Tiredd ahh~ Who can teach me how to get well from sickness without having more sleep, having more time to rest, rest my minds off. I just can't possible waste a day to do all this things cuz there's still alot things to do, I haven't pass up my A math file, haven't do my chinese assessment, haven't have time to try on my Assessment, haven't have time to do this to do that =((

WELL, suddenly I have this negative thoughts about life again =(( I guess it just moodswing =(( I'm so tired of life !!!~ Arrghhh *ROARS*

9:28:00 PM

Monday, April 03, 2006

Sickk~

I'm sick again, I already been sick for countless time this year already, went to school and I'm super sick and I felt like going home but didn't as I don't want to miss lesson, so was super tired and my head is super giddy and pain so rest my head down and sleep -.-" I was trying hard to stay awake but yet couldn't. Hais~ so the 1 period of A math I had miss it =((

Nothing much today, had our International Friendship day and I voted for 5B as they said that we couldn't vote for our class =(( So I just voted the Mexico as there's something to eat LOLS !! I'm greedy but who cares LOLS !! it's super nice can !! =D You must try it with the sauce x))

After everything went out and eat and I'm back at home, going to watch Ice Age 2 with my Big brother. Hope the show is nice XD !! I loves the squirrel !! It's super cute who kept jumping around and looking scared LOLS !!! Disney show rocks XD !!

Oh ya today had fun in Chinese lesson, was talking about Blogging and we need to write a composition on Blogging whether is it good to blog or is it bad to blog. LOLS !! He had mentioned afew things and I had this thought which is " is he saying me ? " LOLS !! Because I always blog and I do my blogskins myself & I did had conflicts and I spend time on blogging and I like to be orginal as I do all the blogskins myself so that there won't be a second person who will have the same blogskins as me unless they copied me. LOLS !! HEY MR SEET, if you are reading my blog just to tell you that LOLS I don't write luv hurt and what sista 4ever. LOLS !! I'm trying to write in a full sentence and I write in complete words and not luv hurt or whatever short cut way to write. I had already changed my style of writing and there's no more ii uu orr hiim or whatever crap already, but I still do use it when I write nicks or whatever crap LOLS !! I find it rather nice but I need to improve my english so I just have stop using it =((

Anywhere I got to get ready to go out for my movie =D !! Hope my movie will be nice x)) !! And my kor is going for his new job tomorrow, best wishes x))

BORED~ SICK!~ TIREDD~!!

5:07:00 PM

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